ADD and the 4 stages of Grief

As many times as I have preached to parents about having to grieve through/over their daughters problems I realize now that I didn't fully comprehend what that would mean on personal level. And, as I have gone through the grief stages in my life before, I did not realize how easily they apply to things other than death.

There are so many types of loss! I find the more I experience in life the more things there are to lose. It goes along with the quote Amy shared in her blog about the Velveteen Rabbit.

So here is how they have applied to me and Bastien, and a bit with my husband Scott.

Denial:
As I've mentioned before I did not catch on to Bastien's ADD as soon as you would expect me to, considering my psych background. (Though in consolation to myself I am glad that my training has given me an "edge" that people who are unfamiliar with psychiatry and body chemistry may not have.) At first it was "He is just really smart", "He just has extra energy to burn off", "I am not providing enough things for him to do", "He is only two years old", etc, etc.

My denial lasted until we realized that Scott had signs of distractibility, and then the pieces all fit together.

Anger:
As a daughter of parents who expected us to always be in control in public, I was angry at myself for not being able to keep Bastien under control. My anger has never been at God or at Bastien during this struggle. My anger has turned inward and I have become the mother who yells at her kids over little things and who is quick to push, hit or throw something. Certainly my anger is toward myself for my own lack of control over actions and emotions. My anger is that I cannot keep myself in check, even with all the "tools" of processing that I have. I am angry for the example I am currently leaving my kids.

Bargaining:
Hmmmm.... I don't know that I have spent much time in this space. I certainly did when my mom died. But now, it is not so much bargaining as maybe an unrealistic hope that medications will solve everything....

Acceptance:
This has been a stage of mixed moments for me--fluxuating between easy and hard. It is easy for me to understand the chemistry behind ADD. It is easy for me to research the common behaviors and explain them to people who do not understand Bastien. It is easy for me to turn to medication and behavior modification.

What is hard is accepting that Bastien will be the kid who frustrates teachers and peers. That he will inevitably come home from school and not understand why his friends were mad at him or impatient with him. It is hard to see him sometimes and accept that he hasn't truly been happy that whole day. It is hard to realize that he will probably not be the child that I was expected to be growing up (though this is good for me to accept, to some extent). That he will struggle in school--a place that I flourished in. That the chance of either he or Scott being some General Authority is slim, given their tendencies toward anxiety under stressful situations.

What is good about accepting it is that I am coming to learn what I can control/contribute to in his life. That I can teach Bastien ways to cope that Scott's family was not able to help him with. That I can offer him understanding, and on a good day patience. That I can love him no matter what and hopefully he will learn to love himself.